5 days left

Kristen remarked tonight how calm I was, despite the fact that we will be parents in less than a week. She obviously didn't see past my cool facade.

The Sacred Selections board met last night, and it was all we could think about yesterday. Nathanael is in SoCal this week, trying to finish up some work stuff before we go to Houston. As the money in our savings account dwindles, and further adoption and travel expenses loom, we have been really praying to get a grant from Sacred Selections. I honestly didn't know how everything was going to get paid for if we didn't get a grant. I had considered borrowing against my 401(k), but that just didn't seem wise. But I didn't see any other options. This has been a real test of faith. The best way that I can describe it is like I am walking across a bridge. I have always been able to see plenty ahead, and see the wooden planks that make up the bridge, and support my steps. I know where my feet are going to be landing, and what steps will come next. The last few weeks, as we hit this final stretch, I can't see any more of the bridge ahead of me, to see where my foot will land. As I reach my foot out to take the next step, it is only then that God lays the plank underfoot. And in faith, I take another step into just air, and again, God lays a plank underfoot. We are relying entirely upon God, one day at a time, to get us through these days. And He is doing it, one day at a time.

I was doing my daily bible reading when Nathanael called, saying David Carrozza had emailed him with a Sacred Selections follow up. The board had decided to give us a grant, but they needed a little more documentation. I was reading about king Jehoshaphat in II Chronicles, and how he was alarmed because an army was coming to invade Judah, and he prayed to seek help from the Lord. He prayed, "We have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you." God answered, and said, "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." And also, "Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."

This is one of my favorite stories, and it was so appropriate that it was part of my bible reading today. I re-read the story, and imagined how the story went for me. Here I am before the Lord, praying "we don't know what to do, but our eyes are upon you". We won't be afraid or discouraged, because the Lord is with us. The people of Judah sang and praised God after the king's prayer, so thats what I did too.

I felt calm, and at peace, even though when I mentally stepped outside of myself, it was amazing to consider that I was packing for a trip in 2 days that I could not pay for. I made a reservation for a rental car today that I could not pay for. It didn't matter. God will provide. He always does. It was critical that I asked in faith, knowing that God would provide, otherwise, what was my faith worth? In my prayers today, I thanked God for providing for our financial needs, whether it was through Sacred Selections or some other way. So when Nathanael called about the email from David, it seemed just right.

I talked to David at church tonight, and he confirmed that we would be getting a grant for an amount that far exceeded anything we had dreamed of. He can do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. I stood there and listened to David, and I tried not to cry, but I couldn't not. I was so thankful. I knew when the tears started that they were going to keep coming. I was overwhelmed. I spotted Dana watching us, and I quickly moved over to her so I could cry into her shoulder, since the tears kept coming. She quickly offered re-assurance, she knew my tears were partly due to anxiety about the events of the upcoming week. I made it to the bathroom before the tears flowed again, a release I didn't know that I needed. It was relief, anxiety, gratitude, everything.

I went to Dana's for some hot cocoa and a nice visit. Maybe it's not good for me to be home along so much.