Going home!

We go home today! Finally! I don't think I've ever been so excited to go home. I've been gone for 17 days. Even without everything going on, that would be a long time to be gone, and I'd be excited to go home.

I've gone from Houston to Sammamish to stay at my moms, then to Nathanael's parents' in Bremerton, back to Sammamish, then back to Bremerton. Each time we leave leave a place, we've accumulated more stuff, either Christmas presents, or baby gifts, in addition to everything for Ezekiel that we are carrying around. Frankly, I'm tired of packing up our bags and hauling them around.

Yesterday was Ezekiel's first Sunday church service! We were in Bremerton. He did great,although he was awake for most of the morning service, which I didn't expect. I think it was the lights. He let out a pretty loud burp during a prayer, which made us all giggle a little, I think. Dick and Jaci came over for the afternoon, and they held Ezekiel for most of the afternoon while I took a nap. :) Evening services went well also, Ezekiel did sleep for most of that.

As I was sitting there during services, I thought about how interesting it is that Ezekiel attended church services for the first time at a church where my mom and dad attended when I was a little girl, and my dad preached. It was easy for me to picture in my mind my dad meeting Ezekiel here, in this place, since I knew that he spent lots of time there. I'm looking forward to telling Ezekiel all about his grandpa Jim.

Christmas was good! We woke up at Nathanael's parents, and we opened our stockings and gifts there, before we went over to the Hixon's for the day. Ezekiel got lots of good stuff! Mindy went a little crazy buying stuff for him, she got him lots of clothes. Once we were ready, we went over to the Hixons, where all of Nathanael's extended family was, and everyone got to meet Ezekiel. I think he got passed around more that day than on any other day of his life so far. But he didn't seem to mind. Everyone really loved him. Kelly had a huge stocking hanging over her mantle for Ezekiel that was probably 4 feet tall, that was full of gifts for him. I'd say he's a little bit spoiled. :)

At night, we left the Hixon's and drove to my mom's house, where we spent the night. My mom, Amber, and Shala fed Ezekiel throughout the night, and I slept a good long time. It felt great to get that much consecutive sleep! We had Christmas again the next afternoon. Ruby was so much fun to watch open gifts, I can't wait until Ezekiel is that age. It's going to be so fun. We went over to my grandparents new house for dinner, where most of my family was. It was so nice to be together with all of my family, it has been so long since were were all together to celebrate the holidays. I know my grandma really loved it, and it was a really special time. Everyone there was really happy to meet Ezekiel too! Later on, we drove back over to Bremerton, to spend out last 2 nights away from home at Nathanael's parents.

It's going to take me most of the day today to pack, so I'm so glad that we are not leaving until this evening. I don't know how we are going to get all of our stuff home. We've accumulated so many things since we arrived here. And Ezekiel needs a bath, I keep putting it off, and he's probably in need of it!

I love how excited all of our friends in Folsom are to see us. It's going to be a good homecoming.

On our way to Washington!

Amber meeting him:

Nana meeting him:

Ruby meeting him:

Auntie Shala meeting him:

I can't believe its been only a little over a week since we left the hospital with him. It seems like so much longer. It's amazing how you adapt to your environment and change. A week ago today, I was nervous and anxious about caring for a newborn, and all that came with that. The unknown. Today, I feel like I can sling him around anywhere. We've been from Houston to Sammamish to Bremerton together, and I really feel like we are getting to know each other, and each others habits. Or at least, I am learning his. I feel like I've come a long way, and learned so much in just a week. I can only imagine how much more I will have learned by next Thursday, and the Thursday after that.

It's also amazing to me how my feelings towards him change and grow. He instantly felt more like mine once we arrived in Washington. And every day, he feels a little more like mine, and I love him a little more. And the more he feels like mine, the more fun I find I'm having, the more I enjoy him, the less I mind being tired, and the more satisfying and fulfilling each day turns out to be. I'm not nervous anymore - only excited about every minute of every day.

It's so much fun sharing him with people. I love watching people meet him for the first time. There is nothing like it. He is so cute, and I can say that without sounding arrogant, because he doesn't have my genes. I'm loving every minute of it, and this is truly the best Christmas ever.

Yesterday was a really nice day with my family. I'm so thankful that I was able to come a couple of days early. Amber, Ruby, and my mom and I went to Redmond Town Center, the plan was to get his pictures with Santa. We had him all dressed up in his first Christmas outfit, and his black and red baby legs, which I love. We just missed Santa going to lunch, so we went and had lunch at Ruby Tuesday. After lunch, the line was going really slow, so we decided to skip Santa, and we went back home. We went to bible class at Issaquah, it was Ezekiel's first church service ever. He got to meet his great grandparents, and Jaci held him during the whole bible class, he was so perfect for her. We sang one song during bible class, it was "How Great Thou Art". I will always remember that that was the first hymn that Ezekiel ever heard in a church service. The first of many.

Today, Christmas Eve, we were up early, to go see Shala's new apartment, and then to pick up Nathanael from the airport. Ezekiel got to meet his grandparents and his aunts Megan and Mindy for the first time. Now we're just hanging out at the house, enjoying Christmas Eve. Tomorrow is another big day!

Amber and I had a little Anne Geddes photo shoot with him last night. The stocking pictures are the result of that. I think they turned out pretty cute.

Ezekiel has peed on my twice today. I don't know if it is just bad timing or what. I'm starting to think those little cups that I saw at Babies R Us are not such a bad idea.

I don't remember if I mentioned this or not: Melody called me on Monday afternoon, and told me that we have been cleared by the California ICPC office to enter the state. Yay! I can't believe how fast that was, only 1 week after his birth, we were free to go home. If only we had known!

Must wrap Christmas presents!

I'm "home"!

Today was exhausting. But good! Ezekiel and I traveled from Houston to Seattle. His first big trip! He did awesome! He slept the whole time, barely made a peep on the plane either leg of the trip. I'm so proud of him. I carried him in the sling the whole day, and I must say, by the time we got off the plane in Seattle, I was so ready to hand him off to Auntie Amber or Nana! Frankly, I was tired of wearing him. :) Babies are very hot.

It was a huge relief to be somewhere familiar. As we were flying over Seattle, even seeing familiar landmarks was soothing. Being with my family never felt so good. It was hard being in unfamiliar surroundings with unfamiliar people for such a monumental event in my life. I could feel the stress melting away, the more time I was with my family.

My family loves Ezekiel. They think he is so sweet and cute, of course. He and Shala are cuddling and watching The Biggest Loser right now.

Yesterday, Ezekiel had his first checkup. The doctor said he is doing great! He weighed 7 lbs. 12 oz., 2 oz less than his birth weight. She did say I should probably feed him a little more, though. :)

I am so grateful for the Hodges. They have been so generous to us, and made our stay in Houston so easy. They welcomed us into their home for a long time, and with a newborn!

It's so fun watching people meet Ezekiel for the first time. It's one of my favorite things.

Nathanael left...

Nathanael left this morning to go back home, it was quite sad. :( He REALLY didn't want to leave us. And I REALLY didn't want him to go. I wasn't really nervous about being able to take care of Ezekiel by myself. I feel like I can do that. I felt homesick before he left, and now I was really going to be homesick with him gone. I was not looking forward to night time.

Ezekiel and I had our first outing together today. I felt like I needed to get out of the house fora while. We went to Macys and Walmart. I used the sling I borrowed to carry him, I want to get used to wearing it before I use it on Tuesday, when we fly to Seattle. I'd say it was a successful first outing.

Dana called me this afternoon to talk about some things, and she was very sympathetic when she heard that Nathanael left today. She asked me if I had any friends close by, and I said no. So she called her friend Lisa, and Lisa called me and invited me over to her house after church tonight. Which reminds me. I hate not going to church on Sundays. It felt so wrong, to get up on a Sunday morning and not go to church, when I'm not even sick. I didn't like it. I think thats partly why I felt extra lonely today, because I didn't have any interaction with any Christians at any worship service. So anyway, Lisa came and picked me up and she bought me some soup, and she really helped me out with some stuff. For example, she pointed out that Ezekiel has a little bit of gas today, and I didn't realize that. But that would explain why he is was a little less contented today. She has 4 kids, so she is wise about mothering stuff.

Only one more day in Texas! I didn't realize how much I could dislike being in a state. I wonder how I will react when I get off the plane in Seattle, and see people who love me. I think I will probably cry with relief.

Ezekiel has his first doctor appointment tomorrow. I have lots of questions for her!

Day in court and Saturday

Well, the second night was not nearly as nice as the first. Ezekiel decided he wanted to be awake most of the night. Not inconsolable, but just awake. The unfortunate part about that is that is that I had to be in the shower at 5:30, getting ready to be in court by 8am. It was Ezekiel's first outing since leaving the hospital!

Court was interesting. The result was a temporary order making Nathanael and I temporary joint managing conservators over Ezekiel. In 6 months we will go back to the same court, and the adoption will be finalized. There were 2 cases that went before the judge before ours that were finalization cases. It was so interesting, and fun to watch. All the family was there, and the judge allowed pictures, and it was quite a celebration. There were pictures taken of the baby with the judge, and he gave each baby a stuffed animal. It got me excited for our finalization day! We invited Nathanael's grandparents and aunt, who live an hour and a half away in College Station, to the hearing, as well as Charlie and Andrea. Charlie and Andrea were supposed to come on Thursday, but weren't able to because Julie got sick. When our case was before the judge, our attorney examined us, and then we were cross-examined by Ezekiel's state appointed attorney. It was pretty quick. We were back at the house by 11, and I was able to get a little nap in before Nathanael's grandparents and aunt arrived. They were the first family Ezekiel got to meet! Grandma and Grandpa May babysat Ezekiel while Trish took Nathanael and out to lunch at Red Robin. I was surprised to find that I was a little nervous, especially when I found out that we were going to sit and eat, and not get it to go. It wasn't that it felt weird to be out without him - it still feels weird to be out WITH him. I was worried that Ezekiel was going to decide that this was the time to become inconsolable, and Grandma and Grandpa May were going to have a hard time. But all was well, and when we got back, Ezekiel was in Grandpa's arms, exactly where we left him.

We were able to keep Ezekiel awake for considerably longer on Friday than we did the day before, and it paid off! He slept AWESOME on Friday night. I feel very well rested today. We didn't do much today. In fact, we haven't left the house at all. The Hodges are out of town for the weekend. It was nice to spend a quiet day indoors, and not have to worry about being anywhere. I know these are precious days and moments that we will look back on in future days. These first few days with Ezekiel have been unforgettable. As I reflect on them from time to time, I try to burn them into my memory, so I never forget them. That is partly why I am blogging so much, so I can go back and read it, and remember these moments. I know they go by all to quickly. I spent a lot of time today holding Ezekiel, just looking at him. One of my favorite moments today was when he sneezed 7 times in a row. I laughed so hard at that, and then I wanted to cry, it was so cute. He is so cute, I can hardly stand it. And Amanda is right - he gets cuter every day.

Today was momentous, because he got his first bath outside of the hospital! It was so fun to give him a bath, he didn't hate it too much. I am SO GLAD that I was able to give Ezekiel his first bath in the hospital, under the close supervision of Susan (our favorite nurse). It really helped to know what to do. Nathanael was a little stressed about his umbilical cord and circumcision wound, but overall, I think it went really well. Nathanael has already put together a beautiful video about it that made me cry. It is so weird to watch myself in a video with Ezekiel. I look like I'm so in love with him in the video. Which I am, but it is so weird to see that look on my face.

Another thing I was amazed to discover: I missed him yesterday when Nathanael's family was here and holding him. I was excited to be able to hold him again after they left.

I wore my butterfly necklace when he was born on Monday. The necklace is an earring from a pair of earrings that my dad gave me not long after I got my ears pierced when I was a little girl. I had lost one of the earrings, so my mom made the remaining earring into a necklace for me. Every time I touched it on Monday, I thought of my dad, wishing he was here to meet his grandson.

Wednesday and Thursday

We brought Ezekiel "home" from the hospital yesterday. Praise God! Our first 24 hours with him has been fun and stressful at the same time. He is SO GOOD. I can't believe it, I kind of feel like he's too good. Although I do know that babies are supposed to sleep A LOT. He eats every 4 hours, poops a lot, and sleeps the rest of the time. So he's just right. There is also a lot of kissing and cuddling going on.

The last 2 days have been 2 of the most intense days of my life. It was a stressful and intense series of events that brought us to the Hodges at 4pm with Ezekiel, finally...finally.

We were at the hospital early Wednesday morning, so Nathanael could watch the circumcision, which went smoothly. Nathanael was fascinated to watch the procedure.

We spent a little while with Amanda in her room, but Ezekiel was not there. He was getting prepped for surgery. We kept things light, even though we all knew that what was coming was going to be really emotional for everyone. I gave Amanda her bracelet, which I had been really excited to give her. It is a bracelet just like mine. Mine says, "I waited patiently for the Lord", and hers says, "He turned to me and heard my cry". Mine is the first half of Psalm 40:1, and hers is the second half. I thought it was really special, and I knew I would cry when I gave it to her, which I did. Dana said Amanda doesn't like to cry in front of us, but she did, how could she not? It was a great gift, and she loved it, as did her mom. :)

When we left, we left the hospital, and went back to the Hodges, to await discharge orders, and so that Amanda did not feel pressured with us in the waiting room. Waiting at the Hodges yesterday was even more stressful than waiting for him to be born on Monday. It was around 2:30 when we got word from Dana to head to the hospital. And nervously, anxiously, we did. We didn't know what to expect. The time we spent at the hospital prior to discharge were some of the most intense, and bittersweet moments that I will ever experience.

Ezekiel's hearing tests and bilirubin test turned out great, before he left. No more jaundice or deafness! Hooray!

One thing I forgot to mention about Tuesday, and I MUST mention it - The name tag on the girl who was taking the professional photos was Mistee - I told her that was my name too, only with a "Y", and she said, "Yeah, my parents were hippies, so they named me Mistee Dawn". Amanda and I looked at each other in awe. What are the chances of her and I crossing paths??

We video chatted with Amber and Ruby, my mom, and Mindy last night, so they could "meet" Ezekiel via video. Dan and Robyn must have been terribly envious, because they bought a web cam today, and we'll be video chatting with them tonight.

Here's a good story: As soon as we got back to the Hodges, we fed Ezekiel for the first time, and then changed him. We tried to change him together; that did not work out. He cried, of course, and then he peed on us, and so I instinctively threw a baby wipe over him, and then Nathanael urgently reminded me that it might sting, because of his little boy wound! And Nathanael was telling me to be so gentle, and it was making me nervous. He's got a lot of stuff going on down there to look out for, with his umbilical cord stump, and the circumcision and everything. Diaper changing has been much calmer since. He doesn't even fuss too much when I take his diaper off now, only when I'm putting a new one on.

His first night was a breeze! Although, I would guess it is the accumulation of choppy sleep that makes one grouchy - I felt pretty good today. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Nathanael's grandparents and aunt are coming from College Station to meet Ezekiel. I'm trying to decide what he's going to wear for the meeting. They will be the first family to meet him!

I experienced a certain amount of stress today, and I realized it's because I'm learning something new (taking care of a baby), and I am now permanently responsible for another human being (Ezekiel). And I'm coming to find out that there is inherent stress in that fact. But I'm guessing I'll get used to it. I already feel more comfortable tonight than I did last night. I also think I'm a little extra stressed because I'm not home. I felt somewhat homesick today. It's harder than I thought, having a new baby (stressful), and also not being in my own home (a little more stressful).

I didn't go out much today, but it's still amazing how busy it is with a baby. I couldn't even tell you how I filled my time today.

Charlie is singing to Ezekiel via video chat on his ukelale:

Something artistic that Nathanael did:

Nap time:

Nathanael just admiring:

Clasping hands:

Our first official family photo:

Tomorrow is the big day

Well, tomorrow is it. We bring Ezekiel home from the hospital. More accurately, we bring him to the Hodges from the hospital. Today was a quiet day, relatively, sandwiched in between 2 highly emotionally charged days.

We were up early, and at the hospital by 8 this morning. We were expecting the circumcision this morning, but we were told it had been postponed until tomorrow morning. Nathanael is excited to watch it. I am not.

Nathanael went out to get some breakfast for us - a sausage biscuit breakfast sandwich from Jack in the Box for me, and smoothies at Smoothie King for all of us. While he and Dana were gone, the photographer came by to take some professional pictures of Ezekiel, and that was my first time putting him in a cute outfit, and it was super fun. Amanda and I had a good time admiring him and snapping pictures of him, and he was an angel for the photographer, even when he had his shirt off.

Ezekiel had a hearing test, and he didn't pass it as well as the nurses would have liked, so he'll have to get another one tomorrow. It is probably just fluid in his ears still. I'm not worried, but Nathanael freaked out a little. :) He was already researching schools for the blind and deaf.

We left in the early afternoon, so Amanda could have some time alone with him. I thought that might be good for her. We went back to the Hodges, and ended up napping all afternoon, which I really enjoyed.

We went back to the hospital at 6, our favorite nurse Susan wanted to talk to us. She prepped us for newborn care and for what to expect tomorrow. We went in to see Amanda and Ezekiel after that, and she had a lot of visitors, including 2 elders from church and their wives and her mom. I was kind of nervous with all of those people in the room.

We said our goodbyes and left around 9. Dana talked to us for a long time in the hallway, prepping us for tomorrow. I was finally starting to feel pretty nervous about everything - newborn care, how tomorrow is going to go, leaving with Ezekiel, etc. Dana said I was starting to get that scared look on my face.

I'm sure I'll sleep fine tonight. I always do. I'll try to enjoy my last evening of a full nights sleep for a long time. Ezekiel is a little jaundiced, so Susan said he needs to be fed every 3 hours. I'll be taking him to a pediatrician before I leave Houston to have a checkup, and hopefully he won't be jaundiced anymore.

I was pleased to discover that every time that we've gone back to the hospital to see him, I am a little more excited to see him. I really am excited to bring him home, even though I'm nervous also. I don't feel like I've really been able to be myself around Ezekiel- I can't wait to get him back to the Hodges so I can stare at him and put lots of outfits on him and stuff. I already love to press my face against his and kiss his cheeks. I'm excited to be able to do that uninhibited.

I changed my screensaver on my phone to my favorite picture of him so far. Every time I turn my phone on, it gives me a start. From the glossy screen, he shouts, "I'm your baby!"

Here are some photos of day 2:

Awesomeness

He's finally here! (You all know that by now). He's so awesome. Everyone says he's the cutest little boy, and I'm sure they're just saying that, but I really believe it! Here's a little bit about our day yesterday and today, so far.

Amanda was being induced at 5am yesterday, and I had grand intentions of getting up at 6am, showering and getting ready, and then going back to sleep with my clothes on, to wait for Dana's call to come down to the hospital. We are only 10 minutes away. Amanda was clear that she wanted us there when he was born, but I wasn't sure what that meant, and I didn't really get any instruction from Dana on Sunday night.

I slept fine, but then, I rarely have trouble sleeping. Dana texted me at 5 and said they were on their way to the hopsital. I fell back asleep. She texted me at 6, and said they had just given her the pitocin. So I told her I was going to get up and get ready and go back to bed with my clothes on, and in her own words, she told me I was crazy, to go back to sleep, and that we wouldn't be going down there til at least noon. She would text me with only important updates. So I guess my plan was a foolish one. :) I lightly dozed for several more hours, getting the occasional text message from her about Amanda's progress.

By mid-morning, we were up, showered, and ready to go! We loitered around the Hodges for a while. We felt pretty awesome in our Ezekiel shirts. I was feeling a little nervous, but mostly excited. I had realized earlier that we had left Amanda's card at home, so we went down to HEB to buy a card, then we decided we were hungry, so we settled on Cheeburger Cheeburger for lunch. I read on their menu that we should expect it to take at least 15 minutes for them to prepare our burgers, and I got nervous that we were going to have to dine and dash, but it was all fine. We decided we wanted to take her flowers, so we went back to HEB to pick out some flowers.

When we got back to the Hodges, Nathanael decided to try to put the car seat in. About that time, Dana texted us and told us to come on down to the hospital. So we hopped in the car, drove down the street, came back because we needed a cell phone charger, and were not far from the Hodges when Amanda texted and said He's here, and he's perfect! It was super fast! Certainly faster than anybody expected. Dana met us at the elevator when we got up to the 7th floor, and she was just gushing about how beautiful he is, and how much hair he has, and how quickly he came, and how great Amanda was doing. I was jumping up and down with excitement now. We waited a little while while they were caring for Amanda, then Dana came out and got us to go back to her room to meet him. This is when I got really nervous! For full coverage of our first meeting with Ezekiel, visit http://www.vimeo.com/8196103. Password is EPM. Alert: It is a 14 minute long video.

It was exciting and exhilerating meeting him for the first time, and it wasn't as stressful as I thought it would be, with Amanda in the room. But like my wedding day, it is kind of blur. So I'm glad that we have video. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would, I laughed more. There is just so much going on in a moment like that, it's hard to process it all.

Shortly after I unwrapped him and checked all of him out, which made him scream because my hands were cold, the nurse banded me and took me to the nursery, where I spent the next hour and a half watching the nurse, check him out, give him shots, etc. I fed him his first bottle, bathed him, and burped him. It was so fun! He loved to eat, and loved laying under the warmer.

Nathanael was watching us from outside the window.

We went back to Amanda's room after he was all clean and dressed, and Dana, Amanda, Nathanael and I oohed and ahhed over the baby for the next several hours, and Nathanael fed him his second bottle.

Dana, Nathanael, and I went out to dinner at Chilis around 7. When I was in the car, I felt my body start to relax, I didn't realize how tense I was until I was able to get away for a moment.

We dropped Dana off at the hospital, she was going to stay the night with Amanda. On our way back to the Hodges, she called us and told us we needed to go back and look over some paperwork that Amanda had, so we went back. I was happy to get to see him again.

Amanda has been so gracious and thoughtful. She didn't have to let us come see him so early, or let us spend as much time with him today as she did. I am so thankful for her kindness. She seems to be doing so well, and Dana says she is so much better than she was last time. Her labor was easier, and she is much less guarded emotionally. Dana says she feels comfortable with us. I'm so thankful that everything has gone as smoothly as it has. And I am also so thankful that Ezekiel was born so healthy and perfect. Praise God for that. I know that lots of babies aren't. Today, I have millions of things to be thankful for.

some random things

I was rooting around in my suitcase this morning, and opened an outside zipper that I don't usually open. I found some special treats that Ruby must have placed in my suitcase when I was up there for a visit. She must have been playing. What a nice little reminder of her.

Here are our Ezekiel shirts!

A quiet Sunday afternoon

We had dinner at the Tyers last night, with Amanda and her parents, Bob and Debbie, and Travis. It was a nice visit, not really awkward, but weird, when you really think about why we were there. When we first got there, Travis seemed kind of awed by Nathanael. He kept staring up at him mutely, but then he showed Nathanael all his toys, and he really opened up then. He is such a cute kid.

We went to see The Princess and the Frog with Amanda and Travis last night after dinner. We really liked it. Travis liked it for the first part, and then he climbed into Amanda's lap and fell asleep.

We went to Kleinwood for church. I was a little nervous about awkward questions, but we really didn't get any. We sat with the Hodges during worship, since I didn't see Amanda until we were sitting down already. Several people came up and talked to us, but most seemed to know who we were, and why we were there, so they were excited for us. I got a little choked up during the song service, as it struck me that this was my last Sunday, anywhere, without Ezekiel. Especially when we sang "Have You Seen Jesus My Lord".

Amanda's dad took us out to lunch at BJs after church. It was just the 4 of us, Debbie stayed home with Travis, he got sick after the movie. Her parents are very nice, I can't imagine how they must feel about all of this.

So I'm about to take a nap at the Hodges. I really cherish the quiet times that I've had since arriving here. It's all quite overwhelming and a lot to take in, so quiet time is nice. Dana is arriving at 3, and I'm so glad. We all need her here. She'll be at church tonight. Only a few hours left now.

Finally in Houston

I made it to Houston! Under some rather treacherous conditions, I might add. The flight was fine - it was the drive to the Hodges house that was sketchy. I arrived a little late, around 11:00, and it was rather stormy. It was so HOT in the airport (note to self: when traveling with a baby, do not wear a jacket or Uggs. Too hot.). It was a little bit of an ordeal to get all my luggage (I had 2 suitcases, a carryon, and a purse), and get it all on the rental car shuttle, then off, then into the office, then out to the rental car. By this time, it was windy and raining hard, so I carefully drove in the fancy little Ford Edge Avis graciously upgraded us to. I only took one wrong turn before I was safely (or not) on the freeway through downtown, and onto Sam Houston Tollway. There was only one terrible accident on the way, where they were routing 4 lanes of traffic off the freeway, and I had to make my way back onto it. But other than that, and the crazy weather, it was an uneventful trip to the Hodges. Bless her heart, Denise was waiting up for me when I arrived at 1am. We visited for a little while, since I was kind of wired from the perils of the Houston freeways, and I eventually made it up to bed, where I slept like a rock in an ulra comfortable bed. The Hodges have a lovely home, and I'm very thankful to be staying here.

Difficult as it was, I woke myself up and make it over to the Tyers house for coffee and donuts in the morning. I met Debbie and Travis, and Amanda and I went to lunch at a Mexican restaraunt, and we are hoping the spicy food will induce labor tonight. :) After lunch Amanda was explaining to Travis that I was going to leave and go pick up Nathanael and come back for dinner, and he said he didn't want me to go leave and pick up the singing man (he watches Nathanael's video blogs from time to time).

Denise has left a sweet little gift basket for us in our room for Ezekiel, with a couple of outfits, bath stuff, diapers, etc. That was very thoughtful of her.

I'm so excited to go and pick up Nathanael, I haven't seen him since Tuesday. Now our together adventures can begin!

4 days left

Amanda reminded me that tonight is my last night at home without Ezekiel. I'm not sure that I really needed to be reminded of that, though. It's pretty much all I think about. I'm leaving tomorrow at 4pm for Houston. I'm just about all packed. I feel strangely unsocial, and I don't know if that is because Nathanael is gone, or because I'm overwhelmed by what is about to happen to my life. I went to the gift exchange party anyway, since Dana insisted. I've noticed when Nathanael is out of town, I tend to withdraw into myself and spend as much time as I can alone.

I've been making arrangements for the weekend, and I think I'm all set. I'll fly into Houston tomorrow night, rent a car, and drive to the Hodge's house. In the morning, I'll call Amanda and go over to her house to visit with her family. I'll pick Nathanael up at the airport around 5, and then Amanda, Travis, Nathanael and I are going to see The Princess and the Frog.

I kind of feel like I'm perpetually stunned. I try so hard to comprehend having a baby, but I just can't do it. I can't believe that after the weekend, the one coming up, I'll be a mother to someone in the world. t's like when I flew to Tampa to meet Nathanael and drive with him across the country. From that day forward, I would see him every day for the rest of my life, with a few exceptions. All we'd ever had was a long distance relationship, and I'd never spent more than a few days at a time with him, and so I couldn't imagine what that was going to be like. It's been great so far, so I can only guess that being a family of 3 instead of 2 is also going to be great.

I had an interesting conversation with a 3 year old today about where Ezekiel is coming from. Here is how it went.

Misty: "Next time I see you, do you know what I'll have?"

Anna: "A baby!"

Misty: "Yes! I'm leaving tomorrow to pick up my baby!"

Anna: "Oh! Where is he?"

Misty: "He's in his mommy's tummy"

Anna: "But aren't you his mommy?"

Misty: "Yes, he's in his other mommy's tummy. His other mommy is going to give birth to him, then she is going to give him to me, and then I'll be his mommy, and I'll bring him home with me."

Anna: "Wow, 2 mommies. How weird."

I don't know if that was right. Or wrong. It just felt right. I'm sure I'll get better at it.

I'm going to do my best to enjoy my last night home without a baby. I'll probably just watch more Alias.

5 days left

Kristen remarked tonight how calm I was, despite the fact that we will be parents in less than a week. She obviously didn't see past my cool facade.

The Sacred Selections board met last night, and it was all we could think about yesterday. Nathanael is in SoCal this week, trying to finish up some work stuff before we go to Houston. As the money in our savings account dwindles, and further adoption and travel expenses loom, we have been really praying to get a grant from Sacred Selections. I honestly didn't know how everything was going to get paid for if we didn't get a grant. I had considered borrowing against my 401(k), but that just didn't seem wise. But I didn't see any other options. This has been a real test of faith. The best way that I can describe it is like I am walking across a bridge. I have always been able to see plenty ahead, and see the wooden planks that make up the bridge, and support my steps. I know where my feet are going to be landing, and what steps will come next. The last few weeks, as we hit this final stretch, I can't see any more of the bridge ahead of me, to see where my foot will land. As I reach my foot out to take the next step, it is only then that God lays the plank underfoot. And in faith, I take another step into just air, and again, God lays a plank underfoot. We are relying entirely upon God, one day at a time, to get us through these days. And He is doing it, one day at a time.

I was doing my daily bible reading when Nathanael called, saying David Carrozza had emailed him with a Sacred Selections follow up. The board had decided to give us a grant, but they needed a little more documentation. I was reading about king Jehoshaphat in II Chronicles, and how he was alarmed because an army was coming to invade Judah, and he prayed to seek help from the Lord. He prayed, "We have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you." God answered, and said, "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." And also, "Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."

This is one of my favorite stories, and it was so appropriate that it was part of my bible reading today. I re-read the story, and imagined how the story went for me. Here I am before the Lord, praying "we don't know what to do, but our eyes are upon you". We won't be afraid or discouraged, because the Lord is with us. The people of Judah sang and praised God after the king's prayer, so thats what I did too.

I felt calm, and at peace, even though when I mentally stepped outside of myself, it was amazing to consider that I was packing for a trip in 2 days that I could not pay for. I made a reservation for a rental car today that I could not pay for. It didn't matter. God will provide. He always does. It was critical that I asked in faith, knowing that God would provide, otherwise, what was my faith worth? In my prayers today, I thanked God for providing for our financial needs, whether it was through Sacred Selections or some other way. So when Nathanael called about the email from David, it seemed just right.

I talked to David at church tonight, and he confirmed that we would be getting a grant for an amount that far exceeded anything we had dreamed of. He can do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. I stood there and listened to David, and I tried not to cry, but I couldn't not. I was so thankful. I knew when the tears started that they were going to keep coming. I was overwhelmed. I spotted Dana watching us, and I quickly moved over to her so I could cry into her shoulder, since the tears kept coming. She quickly offered re-assurance, she knew my tears were partly due to anxiety about the events of the upcoming week. I made it to the bathroom before the tears flowed again, a release I didn't know that I needed. It was relief, anxiety, gratitude, everything.

I went to Dana's for some hot cocoa and a nice visit. Maybe it's not good for me to be home along so much.

December baby

*Well, it's for certain now. Our first baby will be a December baby. I think we all thought she would have given birth by now.

*I sterilized baby bottles and nipples tonight. That was weird.

*I didn't realize how stressful waiting could be. I feel like I'm ready to kick it into high gear at any moment. Every night I make sure all the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean before I go to bed, in case Dana calls in the middle of the night, telling us it is time to go. I don't want to leave home with a dirty kitchen!

*I have some good days and some bad days as far as my anxiety level goes. Earlier this week I was struggling with the financial aspect of the adoption. My faith was weak, and I was afraid that we will not be able to pay for this adoption. It was consuming my thoughts. Nathanael reminded me that we, he and I, are numbered among the faithful and now is an amazing opportunity for us to demonstrate our faith. Now is the time to be confident and brave, not shrink back in fear and anxiety. If we knew how everything was going to be paid for, then we wouldn't need faith, would we? God can do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.

*I sold a Christmas tree and motorcycle jacket today, unexpectedly. That was money that we were not counting on (see above bullet). God is good!

*Amanda's last doctor appointment was on Tuesday. They "stripped her membrane". That sounds awful, I can barely even say it. It sounds so violating. I was a little freaked out that that meant she was going to go into labor that night, so I was a bit frantic. I'm a little more calm now.

*I'm checking the southwest website every day to see what Rapids Rewards flights are still available. I'm praying they don't sell out before we need them.

*I quite possibly heard the most ignorant and thoughtless thing that has maybe ever been said about adoption this week. I wish I was keeping track of all the stupid things people say.