Covid and poetry

 On Wednesday, I woke up feeling crummy. I thought at first it was because I got up to fast. I had carefully planned out the morning for International Walk and Roll to School day, and I had forgotten to set my alarm. But the crumminess just didn’t stop. I took a covid test, it was negative. I was worried about being able to go with Ezekiel to his first Middle School success class at 4pm, so I stayed home for most of the day, did some training for work over Zoom, and took a nap. I managed to make it to (and through) the class with Ezekiel, but when we got home, I was done for the day.

I slept restlessly because of the feverish achiness. I got the boys off to school and tried to rest. the headache was in full swing by now and was, as many people have said, quite monstrous. I managed to get Atticus to and from soccer and once Nathanael was done with his BAC meeting, I checked out, once again. It was another restless night, primarily due to the headache.

On Friday morning, having woken up still feeling rotten, I took another covid test, this time it was positive. Present circumstances being what they are, and persuant to the most recent recommendations, we decided I would isolate in our bedroom through Monday. This was daunting. I proceeded to make adjustments/cancellations for the upcoming days. I was most sad about having to cancel our dinner plans with Lem.

By Saturday morning, I was feeling better. I had finally slept well Friday night. The headache was better, my achiness was better, although I had taken to coughing quite a bit. I went for a short walk in the afternoon, which definitely tired me out, so I followed up with a nap. I was encouraged I was feeling better most of the day, and so was discouraged when later in the evening and into the night my temp was back up and I was feeling achy again.

Sunday I woke up, not having slept for a good bit of the night. The silver lining of the day being not having a headache anymore, I was able to distract myself from the achy sleeplessness by watching several episodes of Bad Sisters in the middle of the night. Upon waking, I felt old and creaky. I watched the Bridgetown livestream, read books, went for another short walk, took a shower, listened to another sermon after the livestream, worked on the project I had Nath bring in on Saturday, and decided to start using my blog again. This was where things went a bit south. I truly hate SquareSpace, and I got so mad and frustrated that I started crying about it and could not stop. “Everyone” says it’s, “so easy to use!” and I feel stupid because I can’t figure out the tiniest things. And every time I say goodbye to my blog and then come back to it, I feel the same way. I need a new blog plan.

Blogging aside, this was the moment I knew the deep psychological effects of isolation (only slight exaggeration).

I went to bed pretty early on Sunday night, and after probably 10 hours of sleep, I woke up on Monday feeling pretty good. No fever or meds all day. I went for a longer walk, and I didn’t get very tired, and I did some actual work and got some other paperwork-y kinds of things done. It. The downside is the test I took in the morning was still positive, but I’m hopeful for tomorrow!

Tuesday! I feel great, but my test is still positive! Blerg!

Everything ends with gratitude.

Nathanael has been lovely. Knowing, even from the confines of my room, that he is maintaining a positive attitude has held me up. He has brought me food at regular intervals, and a steady stream of orange juice, smoothies, and encouraging sticky notes.

“My barn having burned down, I can now see the moon.”

(Mizuta Masahide, 17th century Japanese poet and samurai)

January is my favorite

Isn't January wonderful? For me it is, in spite of the weather. I love putting Christmas decorations away and starting a new planner for the new year. Speaking of planners, I ordered a customized planner from PlumPaper this year, at the recommendation of my teacher SIL and librarian MIL. I don't have it yet, but I'm very excited to feel the paper and write with my new pens and record all the pertinent details of my days and weeks.

Just a few things I've considered over the last several weeks to begin my blogging efforts in the new year.....

Ezekiel turned 10 in December. To celebrate this monumental birthday, Nathanael took him on a coming of age overnight backpacking trip to Cottonwood Canyon. They listened to Hatchet on the way and actually used a hatchet and generally had a really memorable time.

I look forward to double digits for Ezekiel with hope and anticipation. On one of the first mornings he was 10, I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror, putting on my makeup, reflecting on Ezekiel turning 10, and then I remembered that I was 10 when my dad died. I started making comparisons between his childhood and my own and imagining and reflecting...and I was overwhelmed with emotions. This caught me off guard because if I'm being honest, and even though I feel ashamed of it, I don't think about my dad too terribly often. It's one of those things I put in a box in my mind and rarely take out to consider and reflect upon. But I WANT to take things out of their boxes more often, and so in the spirit of this, I sat in the moment. Tears came, and I was struck by the gravity, the bigness, the power of the paths of Ezekiel's childhood and my childhood, and their similarities and differences and intersecting moments. So much of what Ezekiel has before him now was not available to me, but I didn't know any different for a long time. Having the perspective of a parent in this part of my life is proving to be fraught with new and different and overwhelming thoughts and emotions. After 32 years of being without a father, it's amazing that there are still more things to feel and process.

On a not entirely unrelated note, I had the idea to try to sell my nearly complete collection of Sweet Valley High books, so I got the box out of the attic. To my surprise, I also found this collection of books from my youth. I read these when I was about 12, if I remember correctly. My mom calls the time when I read these my "blue period".

I had not forgotten about these books entirely, but I HAD forgotten how many of them I had read, and how much they meant to me. The feelings I had when I got them out of the box and studied their covers and read the backs of them were powerful and nostalgic. I remembered how pretty I thought the girls were, and how I wished I had their hair or some piece of their clothing, and how I had read each of them many times. I don't remember any specific things about the books or really any more than these few dominant thoughts about them, but the strong feelings that stack of books called up in me tells me these books meant something to me and helped me during the hard years after my dad died. I didn't know how or even that it was therapeutic for me at the time, but I can see it now, as an adult. I set these books to the side, because I will never sell these. They meant too much to me then, and they represent too much to me now to ever part with them.

I cannot let this post go without at least some mention of Christmas 2019....

The boys didn't even get up until almost 8am on Christmas. I was up at 7am, reflecting...preparing...anticipating. But even before that, I was awake, lying in bed. Thinking about things I don't normally think about. I wondered about my dad. I actually don't have that many Christmas memories that include him. I don't know why. But this morning, I thought of him. Little things, really.

What would he look like now?
Would he like Christmas?
What would it be like if he and my mom stayed with us at Christmas?
Would he like to cook?
What sorts of things would he like to do with the boys? Hot Wheels? Science projects? Legos?

I thought about how I should talk to the boys more about him. About Papa Jim. I have a treasured album full of stories about him, why do I not read them to the boys more often?  I committed in my heart in that moment to do that more often.

I lay there, awake, while all these ideas and questions settled and sat heavy on my heart. Soon, tears were sliding down my face, into my pillow. I was just...sad. At the renewed sense of loss that comes upon me at unexpected times. Thinking about all the things undone and unsaid. And then I got up and started Christmas.

It was lovely. Inspiring. Peaceful. The kind of Christmas where you stay in your pajamas all day (which I did). Where dinner was not a big deal and kind of not that great, but the cinnamon rolls for breakfast were amazing. Where the boys played video games and set up hot wheels tracks and read books and played the piano. Where I read my book and took a walk. It was...perfect.

And now, a few things that I love about Nathanael....

(I occassionally write on this topic, as it is a way for me to express my love and gratitude to Nathanael, partly because I'm not very good at saying these types of things out loud).

I love that you like it when I talk to you about the books I'm reading. I can tell you an entire plot for a book that I liked and you're always happy to listen. That's fun.

I also love that you like to wrap presents. I don't love it, I'd rather lie on the couch and watch a movie and watch you wrap. So...thank you for liking to do that.


On a final note, I am very excited about my Christmas gift from Nathanael. It is a new website where he is moving all my blog posts over to and generally making it look very pretty and interesting.
 I can't wait until it is ready to publish and for me to write in the beautiful space he created for me.

Grace and Kindness,

Misty

Confessions and Conversations

Well, I did it, everyone. Thanks in large part to hours spent on an airplane and in airports, I've read 3 books in the last month, completing the entire Wayward Pines series by Blake Crouch. I can't even begin to tell you what a huge accomplishment this is for me. I love reading, but I get so distracted by other things that I percieve to be demanding my time, that I have squeezed it out of my life, essentially. The sense of satisfaction I feel from having completed 3 books in the last month is enormous, and I hope to continue this trend.

~~~~~

New blog segment alert!

Confessions of a coffee wife

My confessions are neither good nor bad, just things I've never spoken aloud before regarding coffee. Here is my first confession...I like drinking coffee out of tiny drinking vessels. In small quantities. I actively dislike large ceramic and travel mugs. I like to drink a small amount, all at once. And then maybe again an hour later. Or not, if I don't want to. Either way. So that's it. First confession complete.

~~~~~

I recently traveled to the Bentonville and Rogers part of Arkansas with Nathanael. I always have a good time when I have the opportunity to travel with him. My standard practices while I am traveling with him for work are:

Sleep in.
Explore city by myself.
Meet up with Nathanael for dinner and a fun evening with coffee people.

This trip was a little different, in that the coolest thing in Rogers was Onyx Coffee Lab, so I was there a lot. One of the things that really stood out on this trip was how many people asked me how Nathanael is doing and how many people were genuinely concerned about him and interested in his recovery. It was overwhelming and touching. He is blessed to have a coffee community that loves him.

~~~~~

I've been starting to think about 2020. I've always liked to have a theme or idea for each year that I think about or pursue. One year, it was "Ease and Delight". Another year, it was "Reflection", another one was "Chasing Slow".


I'm considering what it will be for 2020. One that is at the top of my list right now is "Embrace Discomfort". I know, this might sound weird for an annual life theme. But the thing is, I spend a lot of time and energy doing things that make me comfortable. What if I stepped outside of my comfort zone more frequently and did things that made me uncomfortable? What blessings could I bring to other people by doing that?  I'll revisit this once I decide on a theme for 2020.

~~~~~

It's been several weeks since Nathanael was home on a Sunday. This past Sunday, we visited a church called Door of Hope in Portland. I really liked the message. The speaker talked about being a conduit for Jesus' love. I've been thinking about this. It wasn't a new concept for me....it's just that, I don't often frame my interactions with people in this context. Especially my family. For me, showing Jesus' love and kindness needs to start here. With my family. In my home. Why is it that sometimes it is easier to show love and be kind to people I don't know well? The challenge is in the dailyness of showing love and being kind to those I love and interact with every day. It's hard. It's uncomfortable sometimes. Well, for me it is. But it's also desperately needed.

~~~~~

There was something that happened one day this week that happens often. Here is the way this scenario usually plays out: Nathanael forgets something at home that he needs at work, but he's ridden his bike to work, and I have the car. He calls and asks if I can bring it. I respond with frustration and impatience, because I don't want to re-arrange my schedule that day.

But today, instead of this event simmering in our respective hearts and breaking down our relationship, we had a measured discussion about it later that day. It was productive. And if I'm being truly honest, this is where the whole "being a conduit for Jesus' love" thing breaks down for me. In these scenarios, he has a need I can meet. My perception and feeling is that I'm too busy and my schedule has already been arranged for the day, and it's a huge imposition for me. But is it? Who is it that I should I be the MOST kind to? Be the MOST flexible for? If not him, than who? My heart's response to these specific needs of his reveal some of the darkest edges of my heart. That I'm NOT, in fact, a kind person, in and of myself. That I'm not generous with my time and resources, rather, I hoard them so they can serve my own purposes. I withhold these things, saving them for a more worthy cause, or an emergency. But what is more worthy than kindness towards the one I love the most? This seems to make sense, but my mind seems to have taken this truth and twisted it around. It was hard for me today, to speak frankly about the natural state of unkindness of my heart. I want it to be different. The way this sometime ends is, he senses I'm put out by his request, and he says "nevermind, I can see this will be an impostion for you". We hang up, but I go anyway, because my guilt about how I've responded is too great to ignore.

 If I'm committed to discomfort in 2020 and showing exceptional kindness to the ones I love, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard, I need to face these truths about the condition of my heart, even speak them out into the blog-verse. It is only in the breaking of these strongholds in my life that I can truly be a conduit of Jesus' love.

~~~~~

In closing this post today, here is brief conversation I had with Atticus this week that I hope brings a smile to your face the way it did for me.


A: I'm going to play Forza in your bedroom, because Ezekiel is playing in the living room.

Me: Okay. (Time passes)

A: Can I re-install it?

Me: Sure. (More time passes)

A: It's taking a long time.

Me (looking at the TV): Yes, it says it's going to take 7 hours. That's weird. Why don't you play something else while you wait? There's lots of other games.

A (exasperated sigh): Mom! There's only 20 games on this xbox!

#firstworldproblemsaren'tproblems

Be kind. Show grace.

Misty

A love letter to my husband

This past weekend, I was able to leave home for a women's retreat.  It was inspiring and restorative, and I feel so fortunate to have been able to be a part of it. More on that later. As a result, I would like to take some time out and write Nathanael this humble letter expressing my deep and sincere gratitide and appreciation for staying home with the kids and making the weekend away a reality for me.

Thank you ...

1.      For choosing me. Spending my life by your side as your wife has been the greatest blessing of my existence. Without question.

2.      For putting up with me.  I know I’m am imperfect vessel ... as a wife, mother, and keeper of our home. But thank you for overlooking my imperfections and loving me in your generous way.

3.      For helping with the kids. For all the time you spend with them while I’m not around, for taking them fun places, for putting them to bed, feeding them chocolate cake and cheetos, wiping all the various forms of their bodily fluids ... I could not have asked for a better dad for our boys.

4.      For your endless patience with my ceaseless striving for perfection, my eternal clumsiness and finger cutting, my own impatience with clothing messes and clutter, and for always telling me you love me. I really and truly appreciate it.

5.      For working so hard for us. For going out and doing your best despite all the frustrations and obstacles. I really really really appreciate that, beyond what any words can express.

6.      For being such a fantastic husband in so many ways and for all the times you've snuggled up to me in bed when I was already asleep, even if I was mean about it at the time. 

7.      For teaching me so many things about life. You’ve introduced me to so many lovely things in this world, like ramen and good friends, games and savory pies. Even more importantly, you've taught me about generosity and kindness, and grace and forgiveness. I value these things in my life and I’m a better person as a result of them.

8.      For your constant encouragement and belief in me. For listening to all my skepticism about my work and schedule as a caregiver and for assuring me that whatever I've done each day is always enough. I would not be the person I am today if it wasn’t for your daily encouragement. Thank you!

9.      For giving me the best bites of your cheese quesadillas and grilled cheese sandwiches. That is above and beyond.

 I appreciate and love you for all this and more.

Forever and always devoted to you,

Misty

At Port Fonda in Kansas City

Kindergarten and other fall stuff

I'm rocking in my school shoes,

I'm rocking in my school shoes,

I'm rocking in my school shoes...

We've got 2 kindergarten weeks behind us already, and I do think we're rocking it, in the words of Pete the Cat.

There have been a few Tears of Tiredness, but nothing too serious. Ezekiel seems to love school, and I love that he loves it, and I love having some one on one time with Atticus. We sat and colored together for a long time. Just him and I.

We in the midst of the Month of Travel for Nathanael. He returns from New York tonight, and leaves for Columbia on Wednesday. There are aspects of him being gone that I can find enjoyment in. For example, I never actually "cook" dinner when he is gone. And the boys are too little to complain, so we'll just stick with that. But mostly, I find myself feeling unhinged and exposed most of the time he is gone. Like, askew or something.

The boys and I went to free swim at Conestoga. They LOOOOOVE free swim. I wish it were free, but whatever. We spent almost 2 hours jumping and sliding and bobbing and laughing and splashing. So fun. And Atticus went down the little water slide all by himself. I love how much they love the water. Whenever we are heading to the pool, Ezekiel says, "I can't WAIT to get in the water!" If my kids love to swim and love being in the water as much as I do, it will be a great gift to me.

Kyra and I did the Color Run 2 weeks ago. Super fun! It was loud and colorful and silly and exciting. I hope we can do it again next year, and maybe even bring Ezekiel and Savannah.

I joined Nathanael for dinner at Ava Genes with some of his companions from Pacific Natural Foods last Tuesday night. It was a lot of fun, I sure do like grown up nights out with fancy food!

Deal of the week: I found a nearly new sit n stand stroller on Craigslist for $40. I feel like I got my money's worth out of the stroller just in the first day. It was so much better walking to pick Ezekiel up from school without Atticus lagging and whining behind me about wanting to be in the stroller. Problem solved!

I'm trying my hand at baking bread from a recipe I got from Michelle Sanderson many months ago. It has been on my to do list for a long time. There is nothing like writing a blog post with the scent of break baking around me. Nathanael is going to be pleased, I think.

Here's another thing I love about Nathanael. When he is away, he calls me often to "check in" and "find out how I'm doing". He is just thoughtful that way, I guess.

God is abundantly good to me.


Peace, love, and school lunches,
Misty

These boys are my favorite.

first day of Kindergarten

Ezekiel asked me out on a date. We had frozen yogurt.

Color Run fun

My loot.

the deal of the week

yeah, we had a pretzel at the mall. look at at that face.

Day 2 - Admiration Challenge

Oops, I missed a day already.

I admire Nathanael because he has a large vocabulary and uses words that I've never heard of. That means he's smart, and I like being around smart people. 

I am thankful that Nathanael loves God. It makes everything in life and marriage and parenting so much better when we have that together.

Add caption

30 Day Challenge

Today, October 28th, I begin my second 30 Day Challenge. I challenge myself to the following:

Every day, for 30 days, I will post a blog detailing something that I admire about Nathanael, and something that I am thankful for.

My intent is to become better at the expression of my admiration of him and thankfulness for him.

Day One

I admire Nathanael because he brings logic and reason to my chaos. I know I can count on him for good advice and good sense. In fact, I rely on it. If I don't have him and his logic and reason, I would be unbalanced and unsure.

I am thankful that he has a job he loves, and that he is responsible and goes to that job every day. I NEVER worry about having a husband who doesn't go to work simply because he doesn't feel like it. 

Just because blog posts need pictures 

Day 9 & 10 - Eyes All Aglow

Nathanael and Ezekiel went for a walk last night to do some treasure hunting last night. Nathanael said Ezekiel was super excited about all the outdoor Christmas lights, and he kept pointing at all of them with his flashlight, saying, "look daddy, look at those over there!" He loves Christmas lights.

For some weeks now, Ezekiel has been borderline obsessed with Santa and the chimney. What I mean is, he wants to go down/up the chimney himself. He stares at it longingly from the inside or outside. He asks me to get him up there so he can go down it. He will mope around the house and say, "I wish I could go down the chimney". He'll find toys that he can make into a chimney and put things down it, and even "try" to go down it himself. Today, he saw a picture of a plastic play house on the website of the salon I take him to to get his hair cut. He immediately said, "I see it has a chimney". And when I told him that he is going to get his hair cut on Friday, he said, "I will go down the chimney there." It's like his mind is always trying to figure out a way to get down a chimney, any chimney. 

Before bed tonight, Ezekiel said, "I had a great day with you today, mommy." Those are words to cherish. 

I was thinking this thought on the way home from bible class: I hope that someday I have the opportunity to sing "Alone" by Heart with Nathanael in some sort of karaoke fashion. I had to check back through my blog posts to find out what number I'm on...

Reason #19: He would do it in a heartbeat 

(why I love my husband)

A Letter to my husband

Nath,
You have been doing some amazing things recently, and I want to praise you for it here, on my blog (in part, so that you keeps doing it!). I'm so proud of you. You look and smell and act incredible. I am impressed with your commitment, discipline, and hard work. You amaze me everyday. I feel so blessed to be married to you. I think lots of other people would like to be married to you too. Or if not, then they should.

When you work at improving yourself, you inspire me to be a better person too. So I started my Barre 3 workouts tonight! But this post isn't about me, it's about you.

In Phillip Phillips words, here is how I feel about you.

You're my backbone
You're my cornerstone
You're my crutch when my legs stop moving
You're my headstart
You're my rugged heart
You're the poultice I've always needed

Like a drum, my heart never stops beating for you...

More "Why I love my husband"

Some of these may be repeats. But I guess that goes to show what is important to me.


Reason #14: He buys me awesome and thoughtful gifts

Reason #15: He is quick to apologize (even when he hasn't done anything wrong)

Reason #16: He is amazing at not one job, but two

Reason #17: He loves our son more than everything but me

Reason #18: He has a passion for God and the truth that is infectious, and he is not afraid to share it

~~~

It is often at unexpected times when nostalgia strikes. I was washing bottles last week (something I have grown weary of in the last year), and also washing the bowl that I have soaked them in for a year now in order to put it away, since our bottle usage is shrinking. As I stood at the sink doing this, I felt a pang of sadness at what it meant. My baby isn't a baby anymore, and I can officially say that, since he is one now. This means a lot of changes, only one of them being fewer bottles, but for some reason, it was this change that invoked the bittersweet feelings. It's true, I am tired of washing bottles and having bottle aparatus on the counter. But for the last year, it has meant that my baby is just that, a baby. As I begin to put away bottle stuff, I also put away our baby days into my memory banks. Toddler days, here we come!

I hope everyone is having a happy happy Christmas!

Isn't this lovely? All our Christmas cards on display! We are so blessed to have so many people in our lives who love us.

Until next time,

Misty

Inspiration

Sometimes I need inspiration before I write something. Perhaps my new found love of herbal tea has inspired me tonight.

Nathanael brought me home some chamomille tea a few days ago, and I could not deny the fact that the first night that I had tea, it was remarkably soothing. I liked how it felt, so now I am a nightly tea drinker. Who knew that tea could be so relaxing. Probably a lot of people.

So here's some highlights of my week.

*I was rear ended last Friday by a sweet little old lady with an accent. She was so cute, and I felt sorry for her for rear ending me. If I'm being honest, I'm glad it was me she hit, and not some one else who might have yelled at her. She called me that night to see how we were doing, and she said, "This is Marie...we met today, my car introduced itself to yours in a very rude way".

*Kyra and I went to baby story time at the library. It was a lot of fun, I think Ezekiel and Savannah really liked it. The only thing I didn't like were all the germs.

*One of the fun things about fall is having all my favorite shows start again. And maybe a couple of new ones thrown in. Have you seen The Event? It's pretty exciting.

*I took Ezekiel outside in his Halloween costume today to take some pictures. They are ADORABLE. But I'm not going to post them just yet, I don't want to spoil the surprise of the cards I send out.

~~~

Why I love my husband, Reason #13: He gives Ezekiel baths and reads him Good Night Moon and puts him to bed for me

Until next time,

Misty

A day of blessings

The Lord has blessed us abundantly, and today is no exception.

We heard from one of our adoption attorneys today that the work she did for us in December will be pro bono. Hooray!

We also received great news in our support seeking ventures. Things have not worked out exactly the way we thought they would since we came to Oregon, but we trust God has great plans for us.

~~~

Ezekiel had noodles for lunch today, for the first time. I think it was a success.

Just getting started

First noodle goes in the mouth

Fist clenching the noodles. It must feel good.

My artsy shot

Really getting into it now

The aftermath

~~~

Why I love my husband, Reason #12:

He is always willing to run out to the store to get something we need, no matter what time of day or night it is. I hate doing that, so it means a lot to me.

Until tomorrow,

Misty

Here are a few more pictures from the party yesterday:

Nathanael and I wrote personal messages to Ezekiel

My friend Allison (from high school) and I. I hadn't seen her in at least 10 years

Cookie initials

Texas themed cookies. Can you tell what all of them are?

Special Texas onesie

There is actually a cookie underneath all the toppings

~~~

Why I Love My Husband, Reason #11:

He makes awesome little videos for me while I'm gone of he and Ezekiel, to show me what they did.

~~~

*Today was my first ladies luncheon and bible class with TVC. We decided to study women of the bible. And I have been tasked to come up with our first service project. Got any ideas?

*Nathanael preached about King Ahab and God's mercy this morning. I think he did a great job.

*My mom took us out to dinner at Famous Dave's tonight. Thanks, mom! I really enjoyed my dinner, but Nathanael ate too much and has been sleeping since we got home. :(

*I think "Minute to Win It" might be my new favorite game show.

Until tomorrow,

Misty

10 reasons why I love my husband

September is here!

Today begins my 30 days of blogs. I've decided to start with 10 reasons why I love my husband. These are in no particular order, nor are they the only reasons. Just a few of many.

1. He asks for my opinion, and he thinks what I say is important

2. I love him AND like him

3. He compliments me often

4. He is not afraid to admit his mistakes, or to be humble

5. He always protects me and our marriage

6.He works hard at 2 jobs to support our family

7. He will fold socks for me whenever I ask

8. He has a great singing voice

9. He is a soul seeker

10. He says beautiful prayers

Until tomorrow,

Misty