From the Heart

Last Thursday, I went to a 7th grade school conference for my 13 year old son.

He is a thoughtful, compassionate, sensitive, capable, mature, kind, attentive young man. He also has an ADHD diagnosis.

The conference was intended to be a 10 minute conference with one teacher. It ended up being (what felt like) a 30 minute intervention with 5 of his teachers.

"We just want to know how best to support you."

"We're not sure what else to do."

"We're giving a lot, and you're not giving much in return."

"I've tried the things you suggested at fall conferences. They haven't made any difference."

"You need to get out of your own way."

"Education is a 2 way street, and we're doing all the work."

"You're intelligent. We have the test scores that show this."

"We want to help you be successful."

"I'm concerned about you're inability to set aside things that have happened in your day and focus on the work in class."

"You're capable of all the work, but most days, you're already decided before you even get to class that you're not even going to try."

I truly believe (some of) his teachers care about him and want him to be successful and will keep looking for ways to do this. It would be wrong of me to leave out of this story the handful of positive comments and genuine concern of some of his teachers.

I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I was too busy constructing an internal dam to hold back the flood of tears and emotion that I knew was coming. It was just a matter of how long I could hold it in.

 The kid took it well. I'm proud of him. He listened, nodded, and said to me afterwards, "Mom, I'm going to try harder, I promise."

My friend told me I should wait a few days and then send his teachers an email that goes something like this...

 "Hello, thank you for meeting with _____ and I on Thursday. After giving much thought and consideration to all the things you said in the conference, I'd like to suggest that you might benefit from some training on how to work with kids that have executive function vulnerabilities. Sincerely, Misty May" 

It turns out, it wasn't long enough. By the end of the conference, they could all see I was about to lose it. With other parents and teachers and students waiting at the door for the next conference, and 20 minutes over the allotted time, I was asked if I had any questions or had anything I wanted to say. All I could say was, "I have more to say than we can cover in the next 2 minutes. And also, I can't say any of it right now." And then the flood happened. Through my tears, I could see smiles of compassion and sympathy on their faces. Because they're probably decent humans. 

And for a little while, I thought that what I wanted to do was scream at all of them in that moment,

 "you're not SEEING him! Don't you know that if he COULD do all the things, he would?!"

But when I thought about it a little more, what I want even more than that is to sit down with all of them, for longer than 2 minutes or even 10 minutes, and talk to them about my son...his heart for justice, his compassion for strangers and friends, his love for God, his faithful service to others, his selfless choices.  Maybe if I could do that, if I could help them SEE him, then things like that conference would break my heart just a little bit less.

Is this, or any part of this your story too? If so, I'm sorry. You're not alone. 

Birthdays and Holidays

 

Today is my 46th birthday. 

Nathanael and I walked to Lionheart for coffee and breakfast. It's a cold, clear morning. On the way, he asked me if I feel any different about being 46. I really don't think so. 46 is still mid-40's, so I don't feel much different about being 46 than I did about being 45. Maybe I'll feel differently at 47 next year.

I took the day off work. It's nice that I can do that. Not everyone can. I'm grateful. I took a nap when we got home from our walk, even though I wasn't planning on it. But I could, so I did. 

As it is nearly every year, one of my practices for the year is to write more on my blog. I took the month of January off to work in my planner, so this is my first blog post of the year! It seemed like a good day for a first post of the year.

Nathanael is going to make dinner and dessert for me tonight. Usually, I get to choose where we get take out from. I'm excited for him to cook this meal I selected. I don't remember the name of it but it involves chicken and berries with a sauce and salad. He made it once a very long time ago, and I remember it was very good. 

I also know I'm getting a new coat for my birthday, and I'm excited to get that today! It's because I picked it out and we bought it when we were at the Columbia Employee store last week. It's been kinda fun to anticipate being able to wear that. 

The Holy Spirit Conference was last weekend at Bridgetown, and while we did not go, I did get to hear some really great worship songs on Sunday. There's one I'd never heard before that we sang on Sunday night. I was scheduled for Boiler Room prayer, so I was at the 5pm service. Jonathan David and Melissa Hesler and their band were leading worship. I really liked their first song, Raise a Hallelujah. But I really REALLY liked I Am Your Beloved. I keep coming back to this song this week and I've listened to it obsessively. I think it's resonating with me because I feel like many of the words are what Ezekiel needs to hear often in this season of his life. He feels like he's not enough. I listened to it with him and we talked about what the words mean. I hope that conversation stays with him. 

Ezekiel is about to get some extra support and a new "learning strategies" class at school, when the semester changes next week. I'm really hopeful and excited to see what happens. More than anything, I want him to feel a measure of success at school. I do think God is leading us down this path, and I'm looking forward to seeing what good things God has planned for him in this next season. 

I feel like, more than any previous year, I was able to do all the January things that I like to do. I like January because it's the time when I get a new planner and think about a new year and make plans and reflect on the year past. This January was our 3rd annual Family Summit! We went to Salishan Lodge at the coast this time.

We ended January with a Lunar New Year dinner last night. We sampled different kinds of dumplings and each had a fun drink from 99 Ranch Market, and Atticus insisted we all wear red. I put some money in little red envelopes for them. Free money is always fun. 

Everything Ends With Gratitude.

I'm grateful for my job at Home Instead. I'm grateful that I enjoy it and for the flexibility it provides. I like the people and the work. I know this is not how many people feel about their jobs.

 

“My barn having burned down, I can now see the moon.”

(Mizuta Masahide, 17th century Japanese poet and samurai)

Halloween and Academic Success

 Halloween was last week! It was a rainy, drama-filled evening. And I'm glad it's over. Atticus experienced costume malfunctions that were entirely my fault, and he made sure that I knew that. Ezekiel was experiencing stress and anxiety for reasons I could not determine. Our community group came over for some soup, cider, and neighborhood trick-or-treating. Tomer and Garrett were also blow up sharks, just like Atticus. I was never quite sure what Ezekiel was going to be, but he ended up dressing up like Marshmello again...was that 3 years ago? Candy was exchanged and relationships were healed. 

Dan and Robyn came to visit this weekend. It's always lovely when they come. They took us out to eat at Si Senor and we watched Coco. We had breakfast burritos for breakfast and drank a lot of coffee and watched the birds in the backyard. 

I worked almost 20 hours last week! I like how working close to 20 hours a week doesn't feel as daunting or stressful or impossible as it once did or, at least, as I imagined it would. I'm sure it's because the boys are older and more self-sufficient. They can stay home by themselves for stretches of time, and that helps. They can feed themselves, if needed. It's cool how I can still feel like I get other important things done at home, even when I work 20 hours a week. Hooray for the next season of life! 

Ezekiel finished the middle school academic success classes with Dr. Sosne. It was 4 weekly classes on how to be successful in middle school! He didn't enjoy them or think they were helpful, but I think they will be VERY helpful over the course of time, ESPECIALLY if I review my notes regularly, which I will probably do! 

Everything ends with gratitude.

There was a day last week when Ezekiel came home from school and said he is starting to understand math, and then he proceeded to work on some math problems when he got home. I had specifically prayed that morning for a win for him that day, and God answered that prayer in a big, clear, abundant way.

“My barn having burned down, I can now see the moon.”

(Mizuta Masahide, 17th century Japanese poet and samurai)

Beans and Drums

• Remember when I had a blog named Rad Lists and Mad Libs because I like lists and mad libs? I do.

• It would seem that our adventures with Covid are over, for now. Atticus will be returning to school tomorrow after being out since last Tuesday, and I also am over it. It is a relief to be returning to normalcy. Nathanael and Ezekiel continue to have avoided it, for which I am grateful.

• I feel like I need to do more creating and less consuming. To this end, I decided that my "creating" this weekend would be to make muffins and refried beans from scratch. I haven't made muffins in a long time, and I used to a lot. I hope to return to this practice. I've also had it in my mind to try my hand at making refried beans. We eat them a lot...in particular, Atticus does. If he could, he would eat bean burritos for 3 meals a day every day. Actually, I wonder if he did that, at what point he would get tired of bean burritos? I'm not sure I'm willing to experiment with that. So back to the homemade beans...we had them with tostadas tonight, and they were OKAY. I knew that I would need to come to terms with the fact that Atticus will never prefer homemade beans to beans from a can. But can I get him to SOMEWHAT like my beans? That remains to be seen. The beans did not have a lot of flavor on their own, but as part of a tostada, they were pretty good. I'm pretty proud of my first attempt, and have other ideas for how to do it different next time. 

• I really love how Ezekiel is growing more and more confident in the power of prayer. He declared today that he had a headache, prayed about it, and then it was gone! I hope it can always be that way for him. 

• Ezekiel and I went to Molly and Jacob's engagement party last night. I continue to wonder at the social skills Ezekiel possesses, and how delighted I am to take him to places where he is more than capable of interacting and having mature conversations with adults. People notice and call attention to it, and I am so proud to be his mom in those moments.

• Ezekiel wanted to go to Guitar Center today and get a small steel tongue drum. I had never heard of it, but we went, they had one, he liked it, and I made a deal with him that we could split the cost, if he is willing to spend some of his own money. I really want to be a bellows for his creative endeavors. I am so pleased that his musical interests are growing, and especially how much he's enjoying playing the trumpet this year! 

Everything ends with gratitude.

I've been trying to make it a nightly rhythm to pray a prayer of gratitude with each of the boys at bedtime, as part of our new daily prayer rhythm. Tonight, Atticus was grateful that he was able to play a video game with Nathanael, and I was grateful that I could take a nap today. I'm also really grateful that Nathanael has cool ideas. On Friday afternoon, he took Ezekiel olive oil tasting at a cute little place in Dundee, and now we really want to become members! It was such a cool idea of a thing to do on a Friday afternoon!

“My barn having burned down, I can now see the moon.”

(Mizuta Masahide, 17th century Japanese poet and samurai)

Covid and poetry

 On Wednesday, I woke up feeling crummy. I thought at first it was because I got up to fast. I had carefully planned out the morning for International Walk and Roll to School day, and I had forgotten to set my alarm. But the crumminess just didn’t stop. I took a covid test, it was negative. I was worried about being able to go with Ezekiel to his first Middle School success class at 4pm, so I stayed home for most of the day, did some training for work over Zoom, and took a nap. I managed to make it to (and through) the class with Ezekiel, but when we got home, I was done for the day.

I slept restlessly because of the feverish achiness. I got the boys off to school and tried to rest. the headache was in full swing by now and was, as many people have said, quite monstrous. I managed to get Atticus to and from soccer and once Nathanael was done with his BAC meeting, I checked out, once again. It was another restless night, primarily due to the headache.

On Friday morning, having woken up still feeling rotten, I took another covid test, this time it was positive. Present circumstances being what they are, and persuant to the most recent recommendations, we decided I would isolate in our bedroom through Monday. This was daunting. I proceeded to make adjustments/cancellations for the upcoming days. I was most sad about having to cancel our dinner plans with Lem.

By Saturday morning, I was feeling better. I had finally slept well Friday night. The headache was better, my achiness was better, although I had taken to coughing quite a bit. I went for a short walk in the afternoon, which definitely tired me out, so I followed up with a nap. I was encouraged I was feeling better most of the day, and so was discouraged when later in the evening and into the night my temp was back up and I was feeling achy again.

Sunday I woke up, not having slept for a good bit of the night. The silver lining of the day being not having a headache anymore, I was able to distract myself from the achy sleeplessness by watching several episodes of Bad Sisters in the middle of the night. Upon waking, I felt old and creaky. I watched the Bridgetown livestream, read books, went for another short walk, took a shower, listened to another sermon after the livestream, worked on the project I had Nath bring in on Saturday, and decided to start using my blog again. This was where things went a bit south. I truly hate SquareSpace, and I got so mad and frustrated that I started crying about it and could not stop. “Everyone” says it’s, “so easy to use!” and I feel stupid because I can’t figure out the tiniest things. And every time I say goodbye to my blog and then come back to it, I feel the same way. I need a new blog plan.

Blogging aside, this was the moment I knew the deep psychological effects of isolation (only slight exaggeration).

I went to bed pretty early on Sunday night, and after probably 10 hours of sleep, I woke up on Monday feeling pretty good. No fever or meds all day. I went for a longer walk, and I didn’t get very tired, and I did some actual work and got some other paperwork-y kinds of things done. It. The downside is the test I took in the morning was still positive, but I’m hopeful for tomorrow!

Tuesday! I feel great, but my test is still positive! Blerg!

Everything ends with gratitude.

Nathanael has been lovely. Knowing, even from the confines of my room, that he is maintaining a positive attitude has held me up. He has brought me food at regular intervals, and a steady stream of orange juice, smoothies, and encouraging sticky notes.

“My barn having burned down, I can now see the moon.”

(Mizuta Masahide, 17th century Japanese poet and samurai)

So Many Delightful Things

 Ezekiel continues to become more and more delightful with every day that passes since we’ve done a screen detox and following that, minimized access to screens. It always amazes me, but why does it surprise me? Maybe it’s too long in between times when we do a detox. I feel like I see his true heart emerge at times like this. He is helpful, compliant, thoughtful. Exactly who I know him to be. I enjoy spending time with both of my boys so much more when their hearts are filled with peace.

Ezekiel is back into Gravity Falls for now, and has been wearing his Dipper hat constantly and is starting his own Gravity Falls style notebook. He keeps asking me, “what mysteries are in our neighborhood?” THIS is what I love to see. His creativity and ideas. This would not have happened earlier in the summer. And he enjoys being outside more!

Atticus spent some time today watching piano tutorials and practicing his skills. This makes me happy too. He asked if he can start piano lessons again!

I'm really happy with the customizable Family Media Plan I found on the American Academy of Pediatrics website. I printed a copy for each of them, so that they can reference their plan whenever they like.

The boys have been asking for it, so I took them to get a boba tea today. They picked a different kind of boba than last time, and they were both happy with their selections. I love that they love boba tea (even though, technically, they’re ordering smoothies.)

I’ve discovered something new that I love! It occurred to me recently that now that they are enjoying being outside more, and when it is cooler morning, I can go for a run, but have them come with me! Ezekiel rides his hover board and Atticus rides his motorized scooter, and I get in a couple of miles. One of the many things I’m enjoying about having middle-years aged boys.

Sunday Glow

Hello,

There are so many things I truly loved about yesterday.

Nathanael returned from his long backpacking trip.

Jessica brought Dale and Barb to Bridgetown! So fun to see them there and talk a little about what they thought about it.

Bayo surprised us after worship. The boys loved seeing him, and he talked with Ezekiel so patiently and interestedly.

It was Ezekiel’s first day being able to attend the middle school youth group. He was hesitant and nervous, but still wanted to go by himself. In the car on our way home, he told us how another kid approached him and talked to him about how he had wanted a phone and wanted to play GTA when he was 11 too, just like Ezekiel. Ezekiel said it was nice to meet other kids who were like him. As he was talking, Nathanael was crying in the front seat. It’s exactly what we have wanted and been praying about for Ezekiel. He feels so alone and frustrated sometimes about the things he can’t do or have and knowing kids who have some of the same family rules is going to be really important to him. It was a beautiful testimony, and after just his first day there. I’m so grateful.

Jackson and Sarah came over for dinner, and we had shrimp tacos. The boys were in awe that “famous” people were coming to our house!

All day long, Ezekiel was in a place where he had so much on his mind that he could NOT stop talking. We went for a walk, and he talked continuously, all the way right up to the front door. He went to bed, and asked me questions like, “what is the purpose of life?” and “what was it like before everything existed?” And then he’d try to answer his own question before I even had a chance to speak. It’s like sometimes he just overflows with questions and words and opinions that he just can’t hold it in. More often than not, he just wants to go for a walk so he can talk, and then talk some more. I love it. It is one of the greatest joys of my life. I can see God shaping his heart. He’s so self-aware and contemplative sometimes, and it surprises me because he’s 11.